the fifty year old virgin….so to speak

I’ve been busy. That’s good. I’ve been so un-busy the last few months, that I haven’t gotten anything done. I know that sentence doesn’t make sense, but for me it’s true. The less I have to do, the less I accomplish. “Too much time and not enough to do in it,” is how the phrase should read for me. I tend to procrastinate when I don’t have much to do.

The last few weeks have been a blur, but a lot’s happened and I have gotten a lot done.

1. I’ve moved
2. Helped someone else move
3. Drastically reworked my resume
4. Started working a on decent paying project (is decent the right word here?)
5. Started catching up on films
6. Learned two new computer programs
7. Read a lot
8. Written some
9. I saw Don for the first time in six years

Not bad for a month, especially if you look at the preceding one. I’m not trying to brag or say it’s been a perfect four weeks, it’s just a start.

I feel bad about not posting anything of substance on this blog for a while now. As Steph said in When They Leave, “Can somebody else be me for a while? I need a break.” I’ll have to admit that I have felt that way for several months now.

http://www.courier-journal.com/apps/pbcs.dll/article?AID=/20051220/NEWS02/512200397/1025/ARCHIVES

http://www.millermosterrobbins.com/visitations/View.php?id=78

After Judy died, I slumped into a dreadful despair. I felt like I had been drawn into some cruel cataract and no matter how hard I tried, I could neither find the surface nor air to breathe. (Of course my Ptown adventure didn’t help my mood much either.) I’ve tried to hide it from my friends, mostly they’ve said they don’t notice, but I think they’re just being nice. I have tried to remind others to be positive about their lives, hoping that advice will stick with me. I’ve really felt more like Polonius and have often feared that I will soon be found behind the curtain. I also figured if I didn’t write here I would give fewer clues to the curtain I was behind. To quote Steph again, “I feel like I’m lying by omission.” (sic)

So now I’m busy again and trying to catch up on my omissions. I hope I have enough time.

I woke early this morning, very early, 4:30 AM. Of course I fell asleep around 10:30 PM, three hours earlier than normal, so 4:30 makes sense. It has been a long week, fruitful, but long. I think I’ve been using both hemispheres of my brain equally this week. The past, present and future seem to preoccupy me at once. My days are filled with work and conversation, my nights with writing and dreams. I was tired last night, but in a deserved sense.

I decided to use this quiet morning time to do some research and writing. I had two blog entries that I’ve been imagining, so I was writing one, that I was going to call Fat and Skinny, about yesterday (March 31), the most beautiful day of Spring we’ve had yet. The other one, that I was researching for later, I was thinking titling Etymology. It was/is going to be about words and labels. This of course is motivated by my recent choice of a new label, Gay, and what that word means to me and others. All of that will have to wait.

The net can be such a time suck. I love doing research and the internet can turn into my own little Glass Bead Game. When I get riffing on a subject, playing with and finding overlapping relationships, I can spend hours with no net (pardon the pun) result. This morning I was researching the word, “Word.” If you’re going to talk about etymology, I figure you start at the beginning. Word is not a new subject for me, I’ve been fascinated by it since my college days, when I was a Philosophy minor. You can translate “word” into Greek and come up with logos and logos was the tangential device I was going to use in Etymology.

As I was about to stop my first hour of research, I decided to check a few other blogs. Tapping down my bookmarks, first I went to Jeremiah’s, then I headed toward Steph’s and I came upon her latest entry titled, of all things Logophilia. “Hair-raising” is the only way to describe my reaction. Her entry so overlapped mine that is scared me. Of course she didn’t exactly explore the same themes as I plan to explore, but the coincidence was uncanny.

This is not the first coincidence from her blog that has happened either. The first happened on my very first visit to her blog. Arthur, her roommate, told me about her blog, so when I finally got around to it a few days later I read this post, “I do believe in commas, I do, I do!” The coincidence? Arthur and I had discussed a documentary about James Thurber that I wanted to do and Steph mentions Thurber in her entry. OK, I know its small, but her next few entries all had similar coincidences. All posted on the same day that I had written about the subjects in a personal journal.

What does this mean? Hell, I don’t know. I can't deny the phenomenon and I guess I have to see what happens next.

The blog is a week old now and I’m pretty happy with it. The feedback from friends has been positive, well mostly.

Dar said, “Fabulous. I’m so glad — you’re a great writer and an interesting thinker and you should use those talents. Others should enjoy them. Arcs and circles indeed. But how can you be so vulnerable? How do you dare? It’s the right thing, but so damn hard. I am humbled.” That’s quite a compliment coming from her. She is a great writer and editor. I am the one that should be humbled. After everything I’ve put her through, it is great to have her support.

Bro has been quiet. I’m not sure if he’s read any of it or not. He’s very down on the Net since his very personal experience in the Dot-Com Crash. I can’t say that I blame him, I just hope the experience hasn’t turned him into a Luddite. What am I thinking, he’s too attached to his Nano. Since he, like Dar is a writer, I have to wonder what he thinks.

Ara has seen it too, but no feedback. Of course I dropped a huge emotional bomb on her today, so she has a lot of personal debris to get out of the way. She wasn’t very surprised by my revelation. I think she was just disappointed that I didn’t come clean sooner.

Steph, Jeremiah and Arthur have been wonderfully supportive. I couldn’t ask for more. Of course that is no surprise and I guess in some way I have chosen them to help hold my hand as I start this adventure. I had dinner at their place last night and it was amazing. They have such passion and promise. They seemed so excited to have me over, I feel like I have them fooled and I don’t deserve the attention. I was drunk with energy when I left there last night. I feel like a vampire sometimes when I’m with them. I have to be careful not to abuse the relationship and I hope I repay them in some way.

The great thing about going back to school is that I have discovered that I can learn a lot from young people. I have had to reconsider all of my assumptions about life. I’ve been accused of being puerile. Perhaps it is my last waltz of youth before I slouch into the comfortable chair of my emeritus years. I know some think I’m foolish, but I think I should rage, rage against the dying of the light. No one has called me a pitiful old fool, yet. I’ll keep you updated though.