The Wednesday before Easter I went to lunch with Randy and Arthur, after we finished a video shoot. It was a gorgeous day and we didn’t get a chance to eat until late. We decided to hit a local pub, ostensibly because they have great burgers, but we really wanted beer. Spring was in the air and we had just finished shooting at a grade school. I think there was something about being in a school on a warm Spring day that made us want to play hooky. So we finished the shoot and hit the pub. We knew that we were not going to return to work, sober at least.
Randy is straight and this was the first time I’d been in a social situation with him since I started to Out myself. The intriguing thing is, until that lunch I assumed that Randy thought I was straight. Now I am not sure what he thinks. If you’ve been around me at all in the last few months, you would see the change, at least I think. But during lunch I could see confusion in Randy’s face when he saw me interact with Arthur. And twice when an opportunity came up for me to directly address my orientation I directly avoided it.
Of course assumptions are funny things. I assumed he originally thought I was straight. Why? Because when I met him originally I acted straight. Maybe he didn’t think I was Straight. Perhaps he has Gaydar and is good as spotting those things. Of course I don’t think Straight men have Gaydar, I believe only women and Gay men have it. God, knows I don’t have it. Perhaps I don’t have it because I have so much baggage. I’m still prejudiced in some ways. If a friend says, “Oh he’s Gay.” Often my reaction is, “Really?” or “No?” After fifty years I am conditioned to think it’s a bad thing.
The whole lunch made me ponder where I am on the denial scale. The questions I am asking myself are, Does it matter? How far do I have to go with this thing? Am I being dishonest with a friend/associate, that knew me as straight, if I don’t clearly Out myself? Maybe I’m over reacting just because I’ve found a new religion. (Since this was the Wednesday before Good Friday, I did think about St. Peter and the three denials. It also made me choose a particular song of the day.) Maybe its egotistical to even think people care one way or another. Of course on occasion my Father was known to say, “Mark, you think too much.”
The hamburgers were great!
Filed under: I'm Not Gay
I love my iPod. My kids got it for me in September and it has really kept me entertained. I’ve noticed that what I listen to on the Nano has changed since I’ve moved to Cambridge. Before I moved I primarily listened to it in the car, now I listen to it on the subway. In the car, I listened to more techno/dance tracks. On the T I seem to listen to more old rock and folk stuff. I hardly ever use the shuffle mode. I’m too much of a control freak
Last night I went out for dinner with Jeremiah and Arthur. We had some great BBQ and then went back to their place and Arthur made these very decadent baked apples. (I think I may post another entry soon titled, Arthur Is Trying To Make Me Fat!) I ate and drank way too much. So on my way home I was just too…too to fight with the iPod, so I got on the T and just put it on shuffle. That’s when I discovered my iPod has been reading my blog, because it obviously thinks I’m Gay.
I am not the first person to get paranoid about his iPod. A few months ago my friend Max sent me a funny link from Craigslist, titled “My Ipod Shuffle thinks I'm Gay” Of course I thought it was a very funny post and I’ve sent it to a few my friends. But last night mine got me. So here’s the playlist I heard last night:
1. Sweet Dreams – Eurhythmics
2. Breathe – Telepopmusik
3. Relax – Frankie Goes to Hollywood
4. Don’t Leave Me This Way – Bronski Beat
5. Lucky Star – Madonna
6. Boys Don’t Cry – The Cure
7. Boys Keep Swinging – David Bowie
8. Betty Davis Eyes – Kim Carnes
See what I mean about the list. It gets better. I like Bluegrass, I can’t help myself, I lived in Kentucky too long, so when the 9th song came up, I thought maybe someone was screwing around with me.
9. Dueling Banjos – Earl Flatt & Lester Scruggs
Of course Dueling Banjos is from the score of the film Deliverance and if you know the film, you’ll see the irony in its juxtaposition to the other songs. If you don’t know the film, well rent it and then squeal like a pig.
Filed under: I'm Not Gay
Should a blog entry be hard to write? I’ve been trying to write this for awhile, but that whole Logos thing really threw me. Now instead of logophilia, I’ve worried so much that it might appear like I have logorrhea that it has given me logophobia. I just can’t seem to get anything written. So instead of writing one post on this subject I’m just going to start writing a series, maybe that will help me get over the hump.
Obviously I’ve been thinking about words a lot lately, specifically labels. Labels make sense in some ways. I can use a word that you immediately recognize as a complex thing, formula or concept. The sweet shorthand that make language so powerful. So why do I title this entry, and the series that will follow, “I am not Gay”? Because I don’t believe in absolutes. Labels are, just like the perfect example of the ultimate label, Black and White. And absolutes are dangerous.
Am I Gay because you call me Gay, or he/she calls me Gay, or I call myself Gay? The answer right now is, I’m Gay because I say I’m Gay. After thirty years of hiding it, what’s another thirty. No one was to know but me. My own Mother didn’t know until a few days ago, so I think I could have kept up the charade a bit longer. But I have to admit I don’t like the idea that I have labeled myself Gay. I tried Straight for very long time. That didn’t work. I tried Bi for a short time. God that didn’t work. Do you want to know how to empty the seats on either side of you when you’re sitting in a bar Straight or Gay? Tell everyone you’re Bi. Wham! Seats magically become free. Its like you’re wearing Strontium 87 around your neck.
Ironically, a recent twist on the Bi thing is my Mother’s reaction to my surprise announcement. She told my Brother that she doesn’t really think I’m Gay, I’m just going that way now because there aren’t any women out there for me. That’s right, I’ve gone through the rotation and now I’ve been traded to the other team. In an early season trade, a young left hander, is coming over to the Straights in an even swap. The Gays are going to try me out for a while, but I need to be careful, or I’ll be sent down to the farm team. (The showers aren’t as nice there.) If things really work out however, when I get back into shape, the Straights have a waiver to call me back.
So why the label Gay? I guess I’ll have to keep exploring that here occasionally.
